TALSO STRIKEZ BLACK

[Biggles]

"OKAI YALLZ," a sonorous tone bellowed from the depths of my registry folders. "YOU IS ALL NEGLECTIN PO' TALSO. I GOTZ MA DIVORSE PAPUHS AND IS ALL OUT ON DIS BITCH SO GIMME YO GREENBACS AND SUCK ON MAH DIC."

"Here we go again," sighed Mr. Dark Elf, as gravelly and silken as ever.


______________________________________
TALSO V: OR WAS IT EVEN UP TO THAT NUMBER?
-------------------------------------------------------------

"SO HERE BE THAT DILLY, YO. YOUSE ALL 'WAH DAT SKYRIM BITCH IS LAGGIN MY PROCESSIN PLANT' AND I IS AWL 'OH DAM NOW I SIT HEAR AND FUK BITCHES N' NO ONEE CAN EVIN SEE' NAW I JUS KIDDIN I LUVS YALL," TALSO said with a grin, tossing his collection of pimp-lawyers feverishly out the window. "THO DAT SHIT IS REALLY A PUNCH IN DEM LOVENUGGITS."

We appeared to be on good terms. I think. I informed TALSO of recent events. That I had grown up. That Skyrim just wasn't fun anymore. After 120 hours, and putting up with AMD's driver support, or lack thereof, I just wasn't into Skyrim.

"NOT INTO DAT SKY SPININ RIMS? WOTS NEXT, U GO AWL HOMO JUS KIDDIN IM SENSITIV LIKE A MAN HO LET'Z GO ON NEW ADVENTORES"

I had no idea what he was talking about, but, in the spirit of my forefathers, I smiled and nodded.

"OKAI. SO, SINCE UR A LIL BITCH NAO, LETZ PLAY DAT MODREN 60 FPS SHIT WITH THE CODFISHES AND BAFFLEFIELDS N SHIT"

Fallout 3 booted up on my PC. "Oh, an excellent choice!" Shouted Mr. Dark Elf. "I'm not in this game, so I won't get sexually assaulted for once! Hoor-" He was cut off by our champion savior.

"NAW UR A HUMAN NAO LAWALZ JOIN DAT PATRY!"



Mr. Dark Elf, clad in power armor, opened his eyes, taking in the ruined world, the crumbling vista. A former spectacle, lost to Ron Perlman's deep, throaty snarl. This was America.

"DAM RIGHT. WE SPRINGIN MAH FRIND FROM DAT PRISON DERE AND GOIN AFTER THE BASTURD PERLMAN WHO NUKED ALL DEM BITCHES N HOS. OKAI. FIRST HELP MAH FREND JANINE LOSE SUM WEIGHT OFF HER BLABERY ASS LAWALS"



"OK YOUSE THINKIN LIEK JOLLIE OL TALSO NAO. DAT'S GOOD. NOW WIN SOME O DEM MONIES U HIGH ROLLAH"

I voiced a minor concern. "But this is the apocalypse. How?"

"YEWL SEE LOAL"



"U FUKKEN SUK AT NOME POKAH, SKIP DAT BIT. OKAI NOW MEAT FREWND AT DAT TANNIN SALON, IT'S IN HELL SOMEWHERE LOLZ"

We traveled through days of the worst conditions.



The sun scorched us, dangling overhead.



What little shelter we found was dank, threatening, stagnating...




...or covered in third-party lighting effects.

"U DARE MOD DIS SHIT? BETHESDA SHOULD BE AWL SMACKIN DAT ASS!"



We arrived finally, the air dense with green tint so thick, it would make Felix ragequit even the most Orchestral of Red Orchestra matches to tell me I'm wrong about liking it.

"OKAI NAW SPRING MAH FREND OUT DAT ANUS OF A TANNIN BOOTH YO"



"THANK GOD IT'S FAWKESY VAJAYJAY, AWL FRESH N SHIT. NAO GO EAT SUM ELECTRIFIED PASTA, CURE DEM RUBMLY TUMMIES LOL"



"NAO GET SUM O DAT TRAININ MONTAGE IN SO U CAN KILL ANAL PEARL MAN"



"AWW YEA. NOW PIMP OUT A ROBBOT TO GET DEM LADDIEZ N BITCHES ALL HO-IN FOR YOU"



We fitted the nearest mechanoid with spinning rims. For some reason. "Can we just kill Ron Perlman already?" I asked, impatiently.

"WHAI DIDNT YALL SAY SO? LET'S GO DO THAT AFTER A WORD FROM MAH SPONSERS YO"



"TRIED OF BEIN A FUKKEN DICK TO DEM LADIEZ AN' AWL 'O SHIT I'M NOT DAT MAN-HO FROM MAH GOLRY HOLE DAYS'? WEL, I GOTZ DIS SHIT DAT'S AWL 'O FUK YOU A RAGIN STALLOIN OF HORMONS AND SHIT I WANNA HAV UR BABIES ON MY FACE'! AWW YEA DIS SHIT IS LIKE LIQUID PIMP JUICE WIT A SIDE OF METH ALL ROLLED UP IN A JOINT DEN SMOKED AND DEM ASHES SPRINKLED IN A PILL! BUFFOT! ITS LIKE DAT SHIT DATS GOOD!™"

"Now can we get on with this charade?" Sighed Mr. Dark Elf.

"CHARDES ARE FO PUSSIES WE PLAY SCATGORYS N SURE WHATEVS"



"THERES THE DERP HOUSE OF PERLMANLITUDE IN THE HORIZON O MAN I CAN TASTE HIS FEAR!"

"Finally! An end!" Shouted Mr. Dark Elf, joy disguised tactfully by seething rage.

"Thank god. I was getting sick of typ-"



"I AM DRIV-BY-ING BETHDESSERT TOMORRAW MONING YO," shouted TALSO.

And everyone laughed.

[Omnirock]

nice screens brah.

[Felixlynch777]

I honestly don't know if Talso is black or white. I just can't say.

A wise old man once said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To an extent I can respect this. But if someone says that this:




Looks better than this:



Then we're going to have some problems and the eye of the beholder thing becomes flawed.


Your lighting screens look nice in a stylised way. But eww, that tint. I demand you remove it! I shall rage quit Red Orchestra 2 every day till you do. Look at the screens below of Fallout 3 and how nice they look without some crappy green tint. Tint? More like TAINT amirite? *badum tsh*

[DeadCamper]

I enjoyed this thoroughly with my morning coffee. :'>
I saw the thread earlier, but saved it for later when I could read it all in peace. Fuck tints and lighting effects, I STAY FOR TALSO.

"HAV UR BABIES ON MY FACE". XD

[Biggles]

A WINDOW INTO THE TALSO WRITING PROCESS:

Step One: Take a bunch of screenshots, despite not really being good at taking screenshots.

Step Two: Have the stupidest thought you can muster. Make that the core objective of the piece. In this case, killing Ron Perlman for saying that a war happened, as though that's what caused the war.

Step Three: Figure out a way in which your screenshots "prove" that happened.

Step Four: Let TroneColby's voice enter your head, and smack him with a brick until he uses the bizarre dialect Czee had.

And that's how I do it.

[DeadCamper]

Lmao, Trone, now I remember why I miss that guy. XD

[Sponsored content]